Wednesday, December 25, 2013

A Christmas of New Traditions

“As a child of divorce, I fretted about how our family would weather the changes or if we even still counted as a family. Our new Christmas rituals offered both reassurance and revelation: that traditions can evolve and that families can, too. What matters is what you make in the moment together.”
~Madeline Miller (in Real Simple magazine)

When a couple gets divorced, there are the obvious transitions that stick out as the doozies. One or both parties move out. Marital possessions are divided. Co-parenting plans and schedules are created. Holidays are assigned.

I conquered the moving out and division of possessions awhile ago, and the co-parenting plans are a constant work in progress. Today I conquered Part II of the holiday split.

Last month I had my children for Thanksgiving. But even with the security of having them close for the first major holiday after the divorce, it was still quite a transition to completely remove a member of the family from the holiday equation. And as I put Thanksgiving behind me and looked toward Christmas – my first Christmas ever spent away from my children -- I knew my strength was about to be tested.

The part of me that felt defeated and content with curling up in a ball in bed so that I could sleep through the pain of a Christmas alone tried to sweet talk me into ignoring the festive decorations I had just retrieved from my ex’s house the first week in December.

“No one would blame you if you totally ignored Christmas,” that part of me said. “The kids won’t notice because they won’t be here for Christmas.”

But then there was the other part of me, the part of me that somehow manages to find its voice during tough times.

“You WILL do Christmas,” the voice said. “The kids WILL notice if you don’t put up a Christmas tree or decorations. The kids WILL notice if Ernie the Elf on the Shelf isn’t magically hopping from room to room every morning or if Christmas tunes aren’t playing while you cook dinner. The kids WILL notice if you don’t read them ‘Olive the Other Reindeer’ or let them watch ‘The Grinch.’

“You WILL do Christmas,” the voiced insisted. “If not for yourself, then for your kids. Because they’ve had enough change and uncertainty this year.”

So I did Christmas. With a few new twists.

Because, in many ways, I’m trying to start over, the kids helped me pick out a new fake Christmas tree. (Yes, I did fake. A real one was just way too ambitious for my first single mom Christmas.) But then the old traditions kicked in, the traditions that I always loved, the traditions that weren't always acknowledged or appreciated in my household in the past.

The kids and I unpacked the ornaments and placed them on the tree while Christmas music played in the background. We paused to take pictures. We paused to eat cookies. We paused to reminisce about who gave us a particular ornament or why another ornament deserved to be front and center on the tree. And I chose to smile at the ornaments that filled our new tree instead of dwelling on those I knew were missing from my collection because they now belonged to my ex.

I thanked that inner voice of strength for pushing me to carry on with Christmas every morning when my daughter woke up and squealed in delight after locating our Elf on the Shelf. I thanked that voice when the three of us cuddled and gazed at the lights on our Christmas tree. I thanked that voice when the kids talked about buying each other presents, something they had no interest in doing before. I even thanked that voice when my son figured out how to find SpongeBob’s Christmas album on Spotify and played it over and over and over again.
Our family may have looked different than the last time we carried out these traditions, but the three of us WERE a family. We ARE a family.

Because I was passing the children off to their father on the Friday before Christmas, I wanted to have our own holiday celebration the day before they left.  I explained to the kids that, after emailing Santa about our circumstances, I learned he was sending helper elves with a special delivery just for them. As I watched them arrange their plates of cookies and leftover Halloween candy (because “candy is healthy for elves”) and carrots (“just in case Santa lets them borrow a reindeer”), it really felt like Christmas Eve.

That homegrown Christmas Eve was far from easy though. As I hid in my bedroom and wrapped all the presents and placed them under the beautiful new tree, I realized I had never done this alone before. This was always a special time for the parents with a glass of wine and laughter about how the kids would react to each gift that we wrapped. There are some moments when I truly miss being one half of a marriage. That night was one of them.

But the next morning I watched the joy on my children’s faces as they read the note from the elf who delivered their presents, as they tossed wrapping paper in the air during their frenzy of excitement, as they showed each other their loot. And I felt a sense of peace.

Our family will never look the same again. Many things have and will continue to change. But many things will also remain the same. As time goes on, I know I will come to terms with that. After all, isn’t a balanced mix of old and new a normal part of life?

Saying good-bye to my children the following day was gut-wrenching. It tested my limits of strength and positivity. But as I hope to do throughout all the transitions coming my way as a newly divorced mother, I decided to acknowledge the challenge by facing it head on, learning from it, and moving on.

Within a couple hours, I had completely disassembled Christmas. The next day I was on a flight to a sunny place where I would be blanketed in the warmth of family. My parents and I celebrated the real Christmas Eve and Christmas day in our own way, building new traditions we can look back on and both laugh about and treasure.

Now, as I close out my second major post-divorce holiday, I again feel the same sense of peace I felt on that special early Christmas. I know that voice of strength will always guide me in the right direction. It will always remind me that tough days pass. And I can always rely on that voice that is a part of me because I am stronger than I think I am.
Merry Christmas.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

I’m Divorced…Happy Thanksgiving

If there’s one phrase that will stand out on this blog’s new chapter it’s bound to be, “Nothing about divorce is easy.”
If there’s another phrase to follow its lead, it will probably be, “I just have to get through each ‘first’ as best as I can.”

My latest hurdle to get through as best as I could was Thanksgiving.

My divorce was supposed to be final a couple of months before our court date actually rolled around and the judge signed the papers. Because I’m the kind of person who needs mental preparation, some sort of advanced notice to brace myself for a break in the norm, I spent months focusing on that particular date.

I attempted to project how I would feel in the weeks prior to that date, how I would feel in the weeks following that date, and of course, how I would feel on the date itself. When that date came and went and another one wasn’t on the horizon, I tried to focus on another general time frame. When that time frame was extended, and I finally found myself with a concrete date of divorce, I was confident I had run to ground all the emotions I could possibly confront.

However, it somehow didn’t occur to me that I would be confronting Thanksgiving a mere 6 days after divorce.

As a military spouse I’ve spent countless holidays away from my husband, Thanksgiving included. But this was different. My family was more than just geographically challenged, as I used to say when the military interrupted special occasions. This Thanksgiving my family looked completely different.

I felt blessed to have my children with me as I shared Thanksgiving with my best friend and her family who made the day special in its own right while allowing me to feel whatever it was that I needed to feel and talk out whatever it was that I needed to talk out.

On Thanksgiving Day, as I found some quiet moments to play on Facebook and add my own happy moments to my newsfeed that was already overflowing with friends’ happy moments, I was reminded by one particular status update that “there’s always something to be thankful for.”

Although I went into the holiday not feeling particularly thankful for a 6-day post-divorce Thanksgiving, I ended up realizing that there truly is always something to be thankful for.

I am thankful for my happy, healthy children who are dealing with this divorce with grace and strength and appropriate questions and acceptance and the knowledge that they are greatly loved and supported by both of their parents.

I am thankful for my parents who have been there every step of the way and answered the phone whenever it rang.

I am thankful for my dog who cuddles with me and makes me smile when he nudges my arm with his nose.

I am thankful for the job that I love, the flexibility it offers and the co-workers I love to work with.

I am thankful for my friends I call family and my family I call friends.

So it may not have been the greatest of circumstances for a holiday celebration, but underneath that sadness I still managed to uncover a wealth of goodness.

I’ll remember that as I mentally prepare myself for the next holiday hurdle: Christmas without my children.

No, nothing about divorce is easy. But I got through this first Thanksgiving as best as I could.

And I'm still standing.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

A Roller Coaster Begins Where Another Ends

Four years ago I decided to start a blog.
I wasn’t quite sure I had anything profound to share or even if I had the motivation to sustain a blog for an extended period of time. But I loved writing. And I felt that something was missing in my life, whether it was a lack of career direction as I weathered the peaks and valleys of stay-at-home momhood, or the loneliness inherent to military life, or just a sudden identity crisis of a woman approaching her mid-30s.
Whatever that long-forgotten reason was four years ago, I started my little blog. Because blogs need a theme, I chose to focus on my life as a military spouse. And because I often compared the military lifestyle to the unpredictability and jolting ups and downs of a roller coaster, I figured that would be a fitting name.
Riding the Roller Coaster: Just Another Day in the Life of a Military Wife.
I rode that roller coaster blog for nearly 3 years. The blog witnessed my return to the work force, a deployment, dozens of other military-induced marital separations, countless new friends, bittersweet life lessons, a ton of new opportunities, and another awesome job that altered my career path, a job that was a direct result of this little blog as well as the cause of its hiatus.
But now that roller coaster is over, and with its end comes the beginning of a new one.
As of two days ago, I am no longer a military spouse.
As of two days ago, I am no longer a spouse at all.
As of two days ago, I am divorced.
What I didn’t share on my blog in those three years is that my military marriage wasn’t perfect. Far from it. And even though couples counseling initially seemed promising, it ultimately couldn’t save my marriage.
(Side note: Please don’t think this means I advise against marriage counseling or counseling in general. Quite the opposite, in fact. I’m a huge advocate of counseling and highly recommend it if you have even the slightest inkling that you need it. More on that in future posts.)
I chose not to write publicly about the divorce until it was final. Throughout the year-long legal separation, I relied on my journal, writing privately as a way to process the overwhelming transitions I was facing. Sometimes those writing sessions brought me clarity and a sense of direction and strength. Sometimes those sessions resulted in nothing but incoherent brain vomit spilled onto a Word document and 3,000 words or so later, I was relieved I wasn’t hitting the “Publish” button.
But they always made me realize one thing: at some point I had to return to my blog.
And that point is now.
So here I am. I considered shutting this blog down and starting fresh with a brand new one, but despite the fact that the theme will be different, the name still applies. I may not be riding the roller coaster of military life anymore, but now I’m riding the roller coaster of divorce.
Same blog, different ride.
I feel as if I need to say a farewell to the military community that holds such a special place in my heart, but I’m not a fan of good-byes. And one of the many lessons military life taught me is that it’s never good-bye, it’s see you later.  So for now I’ll just say thank you and see you later.
(I also wrote an essay for the New York Times At War blog that is my way of expressing my gratitude to the military lifestyle. It was kind of my official divorce coming-out. Yes, most people would love to have a New York Times wedding announcement. I have a New York Times divorce announcement.)
Let the new journey begin.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

(Tap, Tap) Is This Thing On?

Wow, this blog has collected some serious dust.
But I'm thinking it's about time to wipe away that dust and find my voice again.
It's time to toss that "Out of Order" sign and crank up this roller coaster ride.
What do you think?
Anyone still out there?
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